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Back to this

I'm back to cancelled plans

Back to
Stand up heart fast sit down
Wait
Stand up black out lie down

Back to bed

With ever cold limbs I wait to warm up
I wait for the pain to pass
And for my heart to slow
I wait to stand

Across from my bed is a mirror
I catch my eye as I rise
My vision blurs and I hang on
I survive this one standing
Slowly focus comes through
And we're holding our gaze
And I look quite frail
And a little scary
The lazy eyes and pale pallor
The wobbly gait and the visible breathing
I don't let people see me like this
I try not to

It's all so familiar and yet I'd forgot
So I'm back to finding a way through
And back to grumpy - before I do

Back to hanging onto the little things
To the softness of Sundays and soothing cups of tea

Back to hoping and adapting
(like stories on the page and not on the stage)
And believing - having to believe,
That this will all be ok

Because deep down, I know how to survive
I know how to keep striving, and creating, and smiling
And knowing that I can make this thing small, never my all
Not defined and not held back

I'm back to this: finding my strength, trying, failing, trying some more

So let's do this.

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